Having the Right Tools in the Toolbox

Having the Right Tools in the Toolbox!

Jess and Cathy continue talking about fear, and what can help us move out of it.  It is important to educate yourself and get as much information and skills that you can.  They are great tools in your toolbox to help you overcome fear. You get to move into the fear, and the more you take those steps, the easier it is to cast off the lines and move off the dock in Jess’s metaphor, or in Cathy’s metaphor it becomes easier to jump the jumps!  Tools give you knowledge, skills, you attain a more confident “balance.”   Hey thanks for listening in!  We appreciate it!  Like, subscribe, give us a review and share with a friend!  

Theme song and host introduction. Jess and Cathy welcome listeners to There You Are, introduce themselves, and share what the show is about and who it's for.

Theme song and closing words from Jess and Cathy, including a call to action to share the episode, leave a review, and tune in next week.

Cathy is a professional at training and teaching the sport of Three Day Eventing. Her website is: 

https://www.cwevent.com

Jess is a licenced clinical social worker.  She see's clients in her office in the back of the house here at the farm.   

Her website is:

https://www.jessicabollinger.com

Transcript

Jess and Cathy 1:38

Good morning, Cathy. Morning, Jess. How's everything? It's all good. All good. We're in our office 'cause we've got some guests at the house, so we're in here, and the copy machine is- Is making noises. Is stretching a little bit this morning. What's that noise? Yeah. So there you are. There you are. I see you. I see you. It's all good. We- We talked about that last time, we talked about fear. Yeah. And we could face everything and rise. And something that can help us do that- Is, and I'm sitting in my office, and as I'm looking over your shoulder, I'm seeing this picture on my wall. Yes. And it's this tree, and on the left it says, "We fall, we break, we fail, but then we rise, we heal, we overcome." And things that can help us do that is to collect more information. Remember I said that the brain can make a confabulation because it's wired for story. Exactly. And it will just confabulate something that might not be true. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So collecting more information. Yeah. Makes us deal with things that we're uncomfortable with better- because we're get- we're learning more about either why we feel that way or addressing the concerns. That, that brings to mind a student I have that is worried about riding in the open and not out of an arena, and she really loves to maybe wants to do cross-country, but she's tried it before and been unsuccessful. And so- She had a bad experience. And she had a bad experience. Yes. Okay. May- maybe I don't remember that, but- Yes but anyway, so y- yesterday we just had a lesson and worked on, ri- riding in the open and ho- and how to control your horse and what to do with your body and riding up and down hills. It's a different balance for the horse. And you have a very secure feeling when you're on level ground, and you don't have such a secure feeling when you're not on level ground if you haven't trained yourself and the horse to manage that. The balance. The horse's balance, the rider's balance. So it was it was a fun lesson because and I've started doing this more and more. I had a- another student, David, that I said he wants to ride every single day and have a lesson, and you've gotta get out of the arena if you're gonna do eventing. And so we went out and practiced that. And Jenny said, "Okay, I wanna practice this." So- Yeah I wanna do a, I wanna do a David lesson. Exactly. Exactly. 'Cause I had posted that on Facebook. Yeah. And so she's getting more information- and that's helping her confidence. Absolutely. That's right. She's got the tools she needs- Exactly so that horse isn't gonna run away. Oh, I always talk about putting tools in the toolbox, making sure your toolbox has all your tools in it. Yeah. So when you need to go fix something or work on something, you can go to your toolbox, and you have those tools in it to, to practice with or to fix something. You s- you said the line, "Get out of the arena." And we have to we do have to get out of the arena of our safe place of our complacency, of just keeping the boat in the harbor. It wasn't built just to stay in the harbor. True. We have to go out. We have to go out, and before I go out in my boat, I've got my navigation charts. I've got a plan. I might know how far I wanna go today and where I could stay tonight, how many miles I wanna cover, but that's still dependent on the weather. True. Yeah. Yeah. But but you get information. There always are var- variables that you have no control over. Yes. And, but having all the information- Being prepared, you're better prepared to deal with those elements that we have no control over. Does that make sense? Like your boat and going and, the weather, you don't have any control over the weather. Yeah. And for us, if eventing or something, we don't have control over the weather. We're, the, it rains and the cross-country course gets a little muddy, whereas that, that adds an element that you can't, that, that you have no control over that. But if you have the tools in your toolbox of riding- a balanced horse and you're balanced, then your riding around on maybe wet or slippery footing is better. Or you have studs that you put in your horse or something. Yeah. You change your studs. Yeah. So horses have shoes on, a lot of them do and if they have shoes, then we put in, kinda like the football players, they have screw-in cleats. The- horses can have screw-in cleats as well. We just call them studs, and you can change the size of them depending on what the footing or the ground is gonna be like to help. Yeah. The blacksmith, when they've when they have the shoes they make little screw holes- Yeah. In the backs. Yep. And then the the rider can have different size studs. Exactly. A bullet might be, they have different names. Road studs, bullets. Road stud, bullet. Blocks. A block. Yeah. Grass tips. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember being at an event, and people like, the buzz was, on cross-country day, what studs are you gonna put in? That's always a question I get. I get texts- that I get a picture of they've picked out, the riders, my students have picked out their studs, and they put them in this little magnetic bowl that we use to- to make sure we don't drop a stud in the, on the grass or in the bedding- and we can't find it. So we put them in this little magnetic bowl, and they take a picture of it and send me. And they'll, "The front's on the left and the back's on the right. Does this look okay?" Of what my assessment of of what studs to use. But that then again, you ga- gathered information, what's the footing gonna be like, and you have your tool in your toolbox of your studs, if- Yeah if and when you have them. And that can make you feel more secure galloping cross-country, 'cause you know you've got good studs in that's gonna help the horse- Not slip not slip. Exactly. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. So gaining more information, doing what you can for those variables. I don't have to, I don't have to, I don't have to cast off the dock if the weather's bad. And last year when Melinda and I were up close to Ottawa, just we cast off from the dock and these winds were coming up- I remember that, yeah and really dark. You guys turned around and came back, didn't you? Really dark skies. Yeah. And we had a safe place that we could go back to. Yeah. We didn't have to, we didn't have to move. We didn't have to go. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Things can change pretty quick. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Cathy's thinking. I see her looking Of what else- Yeah to add to that. Yeah. J- I'd like to go back to getting out of the arena. You talk about it in your, stepping into things that are uncomfortable in your practice of getting out, and there's Didn't somebody talk about an arena, one of your people that you study, Brene Brown or somebody like that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so- How we can show up in our arena. Th- yeah, exactly. Yep, yeah. Yeah, she, in the arena, in, in part of her her metaphors in the arena is that we're there. And we're, we, there's people around, there's people that built the arena. Yeah. And and that might be the culture or the tradition, and how much of that do we wanna listen to or really is truthful or not. Okay. And then are we gonna listen to the critics in there that, that are sitting in the arena? Yeah. Or are we gonna listen to the people that support us? Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, that's another whole thing of when you talk about critics and, I talk about this with my students. If, you go in and you have a bad jump or something, you're wondering who's watching, no one's gonna remember, and no one's gonna care, even the next day. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But that can get into your head and start to mess with your confidence and things like that. You're laughing, but- I'm laughing because Suzy Hellard really appreciated Georgia years ago. Suzy was going advanced, and she's getting ready to go into this arena and jump an advanced show jumping course. And she had some trepidation and Georgia says, "Just get in there." She says, "Look, see all those people? They're not watching anybody." They're not watching you." Exactly. "Get in there, and and if you knock any down, there's people that can pick them back up." Yeah. That's awesome. And that really helped. They r- that really helped Suzy. Yeah. And that's what I tell people, too. Don't let what other people say, think, or you're you start to imagine things, and it's just not true. Brene always talks about the Teddy Roosevelt quote that she found that motivated her And that quote is, "It's not the critic that counts. It's not the man or woman who points out how the person stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the person, the man or the woman who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if they fail, at least fail while daring greatly." There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was talking to Little Beezy about Taylor Swift, how there's some critics of Taylor Swift and she's just amazing and a genius in how she wrote all that music and started- Yeah out young and was so talented. What are the critics doing? Where are they in the- in the charts? Exactly. Yep. Yeah. You're out there doing it. Yeah. Where they call them armchair quarterbacks, right? Don't sit at the side of the arena- and criticize. And there's a problem now in today's culture where you can criticize anonymously- Yes and say mean things. Yes. No room for that. No room for that. Don't be listening to that. Exactly. And you can delete those. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And somebody made a comment last night that you can't be mad at somebody if you're holding their hand. Oh, wow. And that's stepping in the arena of connection- of circling back, as Brene says. Circle back, get more information- and have a discussion and have a conversation. Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah. There'd be more, there'd be more connection, there'd be less war less disconnection- Exactly if we stayed in conversation. Yeah. If we looked at each other in the eye and found out wh- what are you scared about? What's your fear? Yeah. And I think that's also a cop-out i- in these days with the phones and texting and, you know- and even emails. Years ago you used to have to pick up a phone and, dial a number and talk to somebody if you wanted to communicate. Or call them back if they didn't answer. Call 'em back if they didn't answer. They weren't home. And I think that a lot of people can avoid that, and I witness it. I do it myself, and I now try not to. I'm conscious of it. Don't just... if there's something that's hard that you need to talk about, pick up the phone and talk to people, or try to do it face-to-face. Yeah. Set up a meeting- Yeah where you can sit down with them, and like you said, look them in the eye. Yeah. Because again, that, that gives everybody more information. And last week you were talking about having a discussion with the guys- Yeah about something, 'cause you... Cathy, when Cathy works in the barn she kinda sees, you kinda see things. Yeah. And see how things could, you could do it this way or you could do it this way. And instead of, when you talked about it with the guys you had some suggestions, and they had some suggestions too. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is fabulous. Yeah. And I think you can, you're really good at and I've practiced what you preach, to being a one minute manager and taking care of something right away instead of putting it off. Number one- Not being afraid to talk about it At our age you might forget. "Oh yeah, I was gonna do that." Yeah. Already this morning I went into a room and, "Oh, I'll feed the dogs. Now, why did I go in there? Oh, I went there to get some of that blue tape." I- Yeah, and I go and you ask for the brush for the boat, and I go down to the barn and, Bring the brush back bring the brush up. I put it right on the bucket where she has to fill the water to wash the boat and, And then I'm up on the boat and I go- "Did you get that brush?" "Did you ask the guys, did you ask the guys about the brush? Oh, there it is, laying there on the bucket." Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. Sometimes we need to look around. We do. Yeah. Peripheral vision. Yeah. I preach peripheral vision. Yeah. Yeah. So that you notice and take care of things- and be a one-minute manager in a sense and so- Go ahead and talk about things ta- talk about it. Circle back. Take care of things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then it doesn't, Doesn't come back to as I say, bite you in the butt. 'Cause you forgot, yeah. Bite you in the butt. When I used to call Dad at the office I go, "How you doing, Dad?" "Oh, the alligators are biting me in the butt." And so now that Andy's running the business, I'll say, "Andy, are the alligators biting you in the butt?" That's a in-family joke. Yeah. But it's just fun. And how you learn something and then you pass it on. Exactly. And having those conversations shows somebody else they can have those conversations. Yeah. Yeah. But you have to find out what's going on. Exactly. Yeah. And I think that I've just learned sitting down and, making an appointment to talk to somebody is just huge- Yeah 'cause you can listen to their world, and they can communicate back to you, and we can make all kinds of stuff up instead of sitting there and talking to somebody- about it. Yeah. I love sometimes how you meet somebody for lunch, Cathy. Yeah. And have, just- talk, check in. Exactly. Yep. Yeah, one time I I did text and set up a meeting with another professional in the area. And this person really, th- they respect me, and they thought, "Oh my gosh, what have I done? Am I in trouble?" I said, "No, I just observed something and, I just wanna have lunch and I wanna talk to you about it." Yeah. Yeah and it was really good. Yeah. It was great. Yeah. Wallace Station's a great place to have lunch. True. Yeah. Anyway, it was good. It's a place up the road y'all just three miles from the farm and it was on Diners, Drive-Ins and something on- Diners, Dri- Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Yeah. Yeah. Guy, I don't know how to say his... Fieri or something- his last name. It was an old railway station. Yeah. On, and it's on Old Frankfort Pike, and they've made it into a restaurant, and it's like the go-to place for lunch, and everybody, all the tourists go there. And I think they open at 11:00 or 11:30, and you better... If you wanna eat lunch anywhere around noon, you better be there 11- when they open. Because I've driven past there, and there's a line out the door all the time. Yeah. But it's really good food. If anyb- any of you all have not eaten there, you should do it. So what I'm hear- you say, what I heard you say is Jenny saw you talking about or heard you talking that David, you were taking David out of the arena- Yes and doing stuff on the field. Yeah. And then she was able then to share with you I wanna be able to feel more comfortable-" really galloping in the open. Exactly. And you're like, "Let's go." Let's do it. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. We have a 40 acre field on our farm, and it's a good place. There's a, it's flat near the bottom- Yeah where you can go up and down the hill there. And you can grad- you can graduate, you don't have to start at the top and go, "Okay, I'm gonna gallop down-" you can make a nice circle and be in the flat and go up a little bit and then come down, and so that's kinda what we did. And then and then I took her to the top and and then we trotted. First we walked up and down, and then we trotted u- up and down on a- Oh, good little more steeper. Yeah. Yeah. But not to say you're gonna accomplish this in one day, but gave her a program. This is how and this is how you do it. And so then when you come out in the field, you have a purpose and a mission- Plan. And a plan. And then you can execute the plan. And she can practice outside her lessons. And she can practice by herself. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And I like after, I saw her yesterday after she finished her lesson, she sets her water bottle down on the barrel 'cause she always carries a water bottle with her. Yeah. And she'll set it to the side. And she practices every day she rides, she jumps that little log in the jump field. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yep. And I always know she's been in there because when I go in to water or drag or s- teach a lesson, I'll see the little Jenny jump set up. Yeah. But that's how you do it. And I encourage people speaking of fear and tools in the toolbox and practicing, a lot of people just jump one time a week when they have a lesson with me, and or people just jump once a week when they have their lesson. And I encourage people to jump on their own. They have permission from me. They don't have to have an instructor standing there. And I kinda say, look, in eventing, nobody can talk to you while you're competing. No one can give you advice and say, "Put your hands down," or, "Kick," or whatever I would say in a lesson. You're on your own. And so to go practice that- is huge- by yourself. Yeah. To say, "Okay, I'm gonna set these jumps, and I'm gonna make a plan. I'm gonna jump these jumps," or, "I'm gonna go jump that cross-country jump or that- cross-country jump." And and then you start to, get braver and put more information in your toolbox and practice more things so you have more tools in your toolbox, and then you just get very comfortable doing things on your own, which is kinda, kinda cool. And then have those conversations. I was working with somebody who knew they wanted to make a change with something. And she practiced, like, how she was going to talk to this person. And she practiced, and she kinda wrote down things and practiced- and practiced and really but that helped her have the courage to have that conversation. The conversation was easy. It was really easy when she had it. But I do that too, interestingly enough. If I have to have a difficult conversation, I make sure to make notes and, and write things down a little bit so I can refer to them to make sure I- Yeah cover all the points. The points that you wanna make. And I don't get, sidetracked or start talking really fast or loud. I get, if I get nervous, I start talking loud. Jas tells people. When I'm teaching, I'm really pretty soft-spoken when I'm teaching but my voice will raise when I'm seeing impending doom or something. I'm like, "No, you go home." Yeah. Yeah. I tell people that you only scream when you're afraid. When I'm afraid for them. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. When you think they might get hurt. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. You do also talk louder when you're trying to speak Spanish. I know. I think that if I scream it, there's it'll make more sense to whoever it is that I'm trying to talk to. But I'm getting better at my Spanish. Yeah, you are. Again. You are. Yeah, she... So Cathy goes down to Costa Rica a couple times a year, and it is getting better. It is, yep. And you were do- doing Duo- Duolingo for a little bit? Yeah, but I didn't keep up with it. Yeah. Yeah. It was hard. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to be able- It didn't make sense. I just feel like if you immerse yourself in something and it, and you're intentional, then you're gonna learn it, and I just felt like I couldn't immerse, and I always have had the problem of hearing it, I remember when we went to... My parents lived in Belgium for a while and for Christmas we would fly over, pretty much all three of us kids every Christmas for, I don't know, two, maybe three years. I could get a really cheap round-trip flight for $300 from Cincinnati to Gatwick, so that was- Nice that was pretty cool. But anyway, I digress. My sister Christie, she had a French class that when she walked in the classroom you didn't speak English, you spoke French. So she learned to hear it- not just conjugate. My deal is why do I have to know how to conjugate a verb? I don't have to say tenga, tengo, tengas. Tenga- Tienas. Yeah, tienas. There you go. See? It means to have. If you can just get a grasp of one word, yeah. But you've gotta be able to hear that word. You have to hear it, yeah. And so she went in and ordered bread from a, a little bakery and just said ya ya." I'm like, "I took French for two years, and I have no idea what's going on." It's so fun, though, when you catch it and then you think it in that language. Oh, yeah. I love that. Exactly. I love that. Yeah. I love that. And exposing young kids to it is- is premier. Exactly. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. How do we d- how do we start talking about language? I don't know. Talking to people. Getting information. Yeah. Yeah. Hold somebody's hand, you can't get mad at 'em. Don't be afraid to talk to people. Circle back. It could be just a misunderstanding, like- Yeah we talked about a little while ago about when you- Practice. Practice. Keep your... Keep putting tools in your toolbox. Yeah, don't be afraid. Yeah. Love it. It's all good. Hey, y'all. Thanks for listening today. We love you. You're amazing. And be you. Be you. Be you. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. All right. Have a great day, everybody. Peace and love. Talk to y'all next week, and- It's all good please subscribe and share this. And we wanna expand out there in the world- Yep one conversation at a time. Peace and love. Bye. Bye.