Getting the Tools for Life!

Getting Tools for Life!  

It is all about relationship.  Jess and Cathy are so grateful to have learned tools that help them.  We don’t know what we don’t know!  Early in their relationship, when Jess was getting her Masters of Social Work, she learned about the Getting the Love You Want work of Harville Hendrix.  She and Cathy went to a weekend workshop in the Maggie Valley of North Carolina.  It has given them the tools to have a rich relationship that evolves daily!  Jess became certified in that work, and many other modalities to help her clients the most.  Cathy talks about Natural Horsemanship and how it helps the relationship with the horse and rider.  They can then reach the goals that the rider has.  It is all about what we can learn—what tools can you pick up to help you and others?   Peace and Love!  Subscribe and share!

Theme song and host introduction. Jess and Cathy welcome listeners to There You Are, introduce themselves, and share what the show is about and who it's for.

Theme song and closing words from Jess and Cathy, including a call to action to share the episode, leave a review, and tune in next week.

Cathy is a professional at training and teaching the sport of Three Day Eventing. Her website is: 

https://www.cwevent.com

Jess is a licenced clinical social worker.  She see's clients in her office in the back of the house here at the farm.   

Her website is:

https://www.jessicabollinger.com

Transcript

Jess and Cathy 1:38

Welcome to There You Are. There you are. Hey, Cath. I see you. I see you. Here we are. It is 6:25 a.m. We've done our burn boot camp. You've gone down What did you do down in the barn already? I had to go get-- I've gotta make a deposit nor- I don't get a lot of checks now, but 'cause most people pay me via Venmo. But there are some people that still pay me by check, so I'm gonna actually go to the bank and make a deposit today. So I went down to the barn to see if there were any checks in the envelope on the office door, and then also people when they, excuse me, come to school, they'll leave a check in the red mailbox, so I had to go check that. And there was one check on the door and one check in the mailbox. And I have a 7:45 chiropractic appointment this morning, and I'm hoping to go by the bank after that. Super-duper. Try to meet that new manager there. Have you met him yet? Oh, yeah. At the PNC. I have. He's aw- he's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I- it's people and horses. This is what I wanna talk to y'all about today. We live on a farm. Cathy trains and teaches the sport of three-day eventing. I'm a licensed clinical social worker, and I work with people couples, and individuals. And I wanted to talk today about how rich life is, seeing the evolvement- Amen and the and in my work, seeing people get to where they wanna be in their life, in their emotional state- in their connections with their life and with the people that they love. Yeah, and in my world, it's seeing people develop relationships with their horses bringing their horses, seeing the horse's potential, but also watching the people develop themselves in their in their world and their life. For instance, I just came back from going to the intercollegiate championship, so it's a great thing that, that the colleges have teams now of eventing, and it's, Interscholastic League, and I'm no- I might not get all the names but but it's just a really cool competition and it's really developed. So this year was the first time they did a standalone competition. There were 250 riders there from colleges all over the United States. The president of the University of Kentucky Eventing Association, Ki- Kaya McLeod- Yes she boards her horse here. And I asked Kaya how many participants there were from the University of Kentucky at these championships, and she said 36, I believe. Yeah. Yeah. And- It's huge and you coached a few of those. Yeah. I coached a few of them. The riders have their own coaches. They don't have to use the same coach. Yeah. Yeah. But it's just really cool, and they all get all dressed up, and they paint their horses, and they paint- the trucks. UK on the butts, and they have UK head bonnets and, little- Saddle pads saddle pads. Yeah. It's really cool. But back to the development or watching is, a lot of these kids are seniors and they've done this for two or three years and just to watch the development of their horses to get them to this competition, to watch the development of themselves to get them to this competition, the development in their lives a lot of the k- And the cool thing also is they recognize at this competition all the seniors that are graduating that, Oh, nice. Yeah. They they have a whole parade of teams on the Friday night and just the kids, not the horses. And, and and at that time they recognize all the seniors who are graduating. Yeah. But now they have an alumni competition so they can come back. That's pretty cool. I don't compete anymore. I did. I competed for about 20 or 25 years. I've been here at the farm for 40 years, Carrige Station Farm, and it's been so fun for me to see people that board their horse here meet their goals and dreams, no matter what their goals and dreams are. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And seeing horses develop and riders develop confidence- and so on. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just so fun- Yeah to see that because that really enriches my heart and spirit. And just and the connection that, that our boarders have with each other here- Yes. Exactly where they support each other. It's a huge family. We socialize together. Yeah. It's a big family. Cathy, they're not all students that board here. We have a lot of adult am- amateurs wh- And one special fellow, Dave. Hey, Dave. Big shout-out for you. I know he's listening. He just celebrated his year of horses, and he's 55 years old. That's great. And he's just all like, all in, which is so fun- to see that. Yeah. So fun. So no matter what state anybody is, it's really enriching for me- and to see that connection. Oh, yeah. And to see people thrilled with a connection with each other or they jump the grid with their horse. Exactly. Yeah. It's fun, the, whatever exercise I have set up in the arena, I change the jumps every week pretty much. So it will be a gymnastic or show jumping course or a combination of the two, and the word gets back to the barn, whoever is the first people that take lessons on Tuesday, they're like, "Oh, that's really fun," or, "That's really hard. I'm waiting to see what she set up this week," and- Yeah and that communication- Yeah is, is- Yeah kinda cool. Yeah. Yeah. And back in 1985, my dad said, I was working at the fruit market. I was boarding my horse, Jesse James. I always boarded him somewhere. I was living in an apartment. Dad said, what about boarding horses? We, some partners and I have this farm," and that's how Carriage Station came about. And I said, "Yeah, sure." And I interviewed you because I had this vision- Yeah of I wanted to do eventing. I had a friend Nell Pierce, from high school, and I went to, I think Hay Penny Horse Trials at, Masterson Masterson Station Park- Yeah with her during high school, and I thought, "This looks like so much fun." I'd grown up doing saddlebreds and, going around in circles in an arena. And of course my horse, Jesse James, I jumped him- and I drove him, and I did all kinds of fun things with him, like you do as a kid, like ride, gallop, and have a big stick and pretend you have a lance and stuff like that. I wanted to be Don Quixote one time. I had a, like a big lunge whip and a trash can lid. I was chasing windmills. Anyway, it's aspiration. I had aspirations. And the farm is exactly what I pictured and what I wanted. You came to the farm about five years later after I interviewed you. But anyway, it's all about aspiration, and I also wanna touch base with our relationship. Which, oh, something that happened in my life after we'd gotten together a hard thing happened and I went back to school to get a master's in social work, because my goal was to help couples so that kids didn't get stuck- in broken relationships. And so I go back to school, then we're in relationship, and we're, guys, we're in relationship like three years in and Cathy was the best relationship I've ever had. And I know I was the best relationship you ever had. No. That's right. You were. Anyway, yeah. And we weren't hitting on all gears, and I read about Imago relationship therapy in the Psychotherapy Networker magazine. The article, main article was What Is Love? And I read this article. The author of this article had attended a Getting the Love You Want workshop. I had not read Harville Hendrix's book, Getting the Love You Want, yet. And I'm into school. I'm into doing my internship at Catholic Social Services, kinda seeing clients. Yep. And I underlined... This was 1997. I underlined every line in that article and I said, "Cathy, look, this is us." "I'm your mom, and look, you're my dad." "You're working all the time, and I'm your mom, and I'm controlling everything." "And I'm driving you crazy. You're driving me crazy." Exactly. Yeah. And I found a workshop in the Maggie Valley of North Carolina. Our dog wants out now. He's come over to us. Okay. Cathy, go ahead and let him out. I'm gonna go ahead and put Tyler out. I'm gonna continue the story. I found a workshop. I got online. This is 1997. I found online this workshop. The closest one was five hours away in the Maggie Valley of North Carolina. Yeah. And I called the number up, and I think it was just the I just thought it was the answering machine- Sure that answered. Yeah. And I'm waiting to leave a message. And then instead of it being a message, Helen's going... helen Andrews, she's going, "Hello? Hello? Is anybody there?" And I go- "Oh. Oh, somebody's there. Somebody live. Oh, my gosh." And I just went, whoosh. And I just like- Poured out everything water- I just waterfalled. And she goes see if Cathy will come." "It's just about relationship education." And so I ask you to go. Yep. And I use one of my, one of my defensive behaviors, which was manipulation. I told- It's gonna be at a horse ranch. It's at the- I'm like, "I see horses all the time." Yeah. "Why would I wanna drive five hours in the fog?" It was in the Maggie Valley- on top of this mountain, and the location was the Chattahoochee Horse Ranch. Now, Gail- pal, she's been to there to camp several times. Yeah. When we drove past there- I was telling her the story, and she goes I went to that camp. I loved it." Anyway, she loved it when her parents took her there. Anyway, we did not see a horse all weekend. You agreed to go. Yeah. You said it was the last thing you were gonna do, ever do for me. I found out that later on. Yep. But we c- it was foggy the whole weekend. You couldn't even see your hand, it was so foggy. Didn't see one single horse. But it was just like an immersion of education about what we brought into relationships. Yeah. My point is, and my point is this- I'm listening that gave me the tool. Then we s- continued doing Imago work with Helen- Exactly. Yep that led the workshop. We sat at the corner of our desk. And I'd already added on to the back of the house- Yep because I envisioned having a practice here at the farm. Because the original house here at the farm was just two bedrooms. I added on to the back of the house. Yep. Bless Jesse boy, he helped fund that. Yep. My brother that had passed away. Built an office and a downstairs master bedroom, and a half bath for clients, and a waiting area. Yeah. But anyway, long story short, we worked with Helen, sat at that desk- with a speakerphone, and continued. Yeah. And the and the point is, and the point is this, my cousin Dewey used to say that, "It's a long story, but the point is, and the point is this," that we got the tools that we needed. Absolutely. And then- Yeah Helen said, "You all are like my, y'all are like my- Model poster couple." "Jesse, why don't you get trained in this?" So I went and got trained in this. That taught me about relationship work. Yeah. And I learned the Imago stuff, and then I learned what you bring into relationships sometimes gets us stuck, and so I had to learn how to do some old trauma work to help get it unstuck. Yeah. Anyway, this is me as a therapist, as licensed clinical social worker, how I kinda, like hopscotch, getting new tools- that's gonna help my clients the most. Exactly. Had a client that wanted to become an Episcopal priest. Stuck. I gotta take with the thought, childhood thought, I gotta take the last potato on the buffet line. And so I inquired out there what could help this client the most? And I heard about developmental needs meeting strategy. I get into that. I go to my client's ordination, one of the best days of my life. But just so different things in how therapy has evolved, and I've learned new things. Exactly. So tell me about the tools that you have as a horse woman, and how you've stepped up. I've al- I've always said I should have majored in psychology to be a riding instructor. But I think as far as, physically with the horses one of the biggest tools is the natural horsemanship that I've learned and taken on in order to establish a leadership role with the horse on the ground. And teaching them all the things that you would do when you're on their backs. You teach them that first on the ground, and that, that has been a huge help for me training horses, but it's also been a huge asset to teach riders that. I putting your foot in the stirrup is a small part of having a relationship with a horse. Bringing them in from the field and having them not walk over the top of you, or trying to bite you, or stand still in the cross ties, or picking out all four feet and, all that kind of stuff. So that, the natural horsemanship has been a huge asset to my ability to train horses and riders for whatever discipline and go ahead. Okay, what exactly then does natural horsemanship do with the relationship with the horse? It teaches you to be their leader. And they look to you for leadership. Yeah. And it's based on how horses interact in the field with each other. If they're, like, playing or s- a horse doesn't want you... The next horse, his, if Joey doesn't wanna be around Sid, then s- he's gonna run away. But if Sid wants to be around Joey, he's gonna go up there and bother him, and Joey's gonna turn around and kick him and say, "Hey," "Get away from me." So- Establish that boundary. Establish the boundaries, yeah. And that's just a real small example, but it's... And horses, when they play with each other, they bite at their faces- and push them away. And then they, but then they retreat, and then the horse goes with them. So it's just- a, an, a great way that you can establish leadership with a horse. So the horse looks to you to be their leader and horses are they're herbivores, right? So they don't ever if they ever sleep, like they sleep standing up or they might sleep laying down- Yeah but there's always one, one standing in a herd and, A prey animal, right? No, one of the horses is standing- Yeah watching out for a prey animal. Yeah. For a lion or something to- hypothetically would come up and attack because they, but because they're, and that's their, because they're meat, they're plant eaters and not meat eaters, that's the way they live their lives. And so- they're al- they're always cautious, and so- Yeah by you becoming their leader, then they can- We just had our light pop on at our kitchen table. I think I said this last time. it goes in and out, and Grandma Kitty shows up when the light comes on. Yeah. Anyway, so it, it creates this relationship where the horse can be calm and relaxed 'cause he knows you're there- Exactly and he can look to you for leadership. And so when you get a horse off the track, you'll do how many months of natural horsemanship before you even get on a horse? It depends on the horse, but at least 30 days before we- get on them. And we can f- you can find out a lot about the horse in the by doing the natural horsemanship, and then they start to look for, to you for leadership 'cause horses off the track, some of them can be perfectly calm and quiet and others can be very impulsive, and you put your foot in the stirrup and the bridle on and they run 'cause that's what they've been taught to do. And but others are not like that, so I don't wanna put them all in a box, I don't wanna stereotype at all. But you can certainly learn what's their stiff side, what's their hollow side, which way they like to go better, what things they might be worried about, and teach them to jump- or see what their instincts are about jumping. And that's on the ground, y'all- Yeah, on the ground where there's this long line that you're working with the horse with natural horsemanship. Yeah. And you're jumping the horse, you're beginning the horse jumping on a line. Yes. You can see what their instincts are. And I'll do that fairly quickly with one that I get off the track because I wanna I don't, I've only had two horses in my whole life, my whole career, that really could not jump, couldn't figure it out. And and one I did, I jumped him up a bank several times, so he had to pick his front legs up to get up a bank jump. And, 'Cause, 'cause he, 'cause he- and it fixed him. He was like, "Oh, this is how I do it." Oh, I gotta pick my front legs up. Oh, this is cool. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It's not the objective just to bowl the the jumps down then, the So the horse learned that- it's not about bowling. No. Knocking the rails down. That's why I always- He learned to- start them over cross-country fences too, solid fences. Oh, they're solid. Yep. Get out, y'all. Just learned something. Yeah. When you start them over cross-country jumps. Yeah, because they're solid fences- Get out and they're, "Oh, this, I gotta pick my feet up to get over it." And if they're confused about it and you're doing it with, show jumps rails and they knock the rail and the rail spits out in front of them or it hurts their legs or something, they're like, "Whoa, I didn't like this." And so you can get a horse much more confident much more quickly by starting them over fences online- With with the cross-country fences. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And this creates this relationship, and you learn how to play with your horse. And I love the thing about Parelli, the horse just doesn't un- if the horse doesn't get it, it just you gotta ask the question in a way they can understand it. So you're not becoming dominant over the horse. No. No. It's about putting pressure on and pressure off, pressure on to ask the horse to answer the question. As soon as they answer the question- Pressure off quickly. Immediately. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. And that can work with people, too. "Hey, thanks for putting your laundry in the laundry basket. You hit it this time." And then you shape that behavior. Exactly. I love that. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Yeah, so that's a really cool tool. Yeah. And so you just, you don't just teach the horse, you'll also, with your students, teach them to do that groundwork too. Absolutely yeah. And then they get that better relationship. Ab- yeah. And it's just- So fun i've been on horses and this one, I can't remember one horse that I had, I can't remember his name, but something scared him in the arena, and he scooted for two steps, and then he just stopped. And he, and I said, "You're okay," and he goes oh you're with me, I'm okay." He didn't go- Yeah didn't look ev- anywhere else- Yeah to find comfort. He looked to- Yeah to me to find comfort and safety. Yeah. And so- And once I was jumping, Cathy, and I kinda lost my seat and got over on the side, and my horse stayed right underneath me. Yeah, and they'll stop. They'll stop. They won't leave. Oh yeah, and if you accidentally fall off or something, the horse will just stand there and just look at you. Look at you like, "What are you doing on the ground?" They don't run off. They don't run away. They learn not to panic 'cause they're in your presence. Yeah. What a great tool. Yeah, it's awesome. What a great tool. Yeah. Yeah. And I know that in your competitive state, you always took from different instructors, or- Yep you used certain ones- with whatever you could learn from. How do you continue learning even though you don't compete? Watching people teach. Yeah. Yeah, watching people teach. Going through Facebook and sometimes I'll see exercises things like that. But I'm, I amaze myself at how much I know. It's just, especially just going and teaching dressage lessons or jumping or whatever, and it's like the resource, the amount of horses that I've ridden and the amount of experiences that I've had and the amount of training that I've had because it, n- there's nothing new out there. Yeah. It's all the same. Does that make sense? No- someone's not gonna come up with, "This is the new way that we do this," it's all the same. It hasn't changed for centuries. You can go back and look at Xenophon and the way he rode, dressage or- I'm trying to, drawing blanks on, names of, you know- Horsemen Jack Le Goff and how he trained. And, he was the coach of our Olympic team for many years. And this has come down through the ages. And then it's variations on a theme. Let's do a little shoulder in to haunches in, or let's go down and, leg yield a- away from the wall. And that, you're just putting together all of these different things, and I think that's what makes me a good instructor is I've had all these experiences. I am empathetic and listen to the rider. I am empathetic and listen to the horse. Yeah. And I'm able to read the horse- That's key very well with the riders when the riders are riding them. A lot of times I'll g- sit on the horse, but most of the times I don't need to. I can manage w- what w- the end goal and what the goal is for the day. And and that's another thing to t- that I'm really good at, is being able to say "This is what we're gonna do," and the rider'll go, "Okay, now let's do this." I'm like, "No, that's enough for this session today." "You can come back tomorrow and try it again." And that's another thing about the Parelli stuff, let the horse think about it- Yeah and they kinda chew, and they chew, and they think about it. Yeah. You lick and chew, and you can see them connect their right brain- to the left brain. Yeah. And I wanna just clarify Jess keeps saying Parelli, and I say natural horsemanship. I don't wanna put there's a lot of people that do natural horsemanship, and they all have really good methods. Yes. I learned the Parelli method because when I trained with Karen and David O'Connor, David had trained with a lot of natural horsemanship people, but he picked the Parelli because of the way Pat Parelli had set it up for the general public to learn. And s- 'Cause Pat Parelli had established videos and- and the little pocketbook that you could pull out of your shirt pocket and go, "Okay, the horse is doing this. This is what I need to do," which was which, so that's why I use I, you say Parelli- Yeah I say natural horsemanship, but Parelli is the main natural horsemanship method that I've that I have grown up with, so to speak. Does that make sense? Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. So natural horsemanship. Yeah. Yeah, so it just makes a fun, fun relationship. And just learning more, it's just- And the riders, it's so much of, the relationship you have when you're sitting on their backs, but they just love doing it. And we have our little trail area where we have the car wash to walk the horses through the strips hanging down, and we have the tire that they have, can walk on, and the little ramp, and just teaching riders- Teeter, a teeter-totter a teeter-totter. Yeah That they can feel secure- if there's something surprising. There's these noodles that Beth Coney has supplied where there's these two sides with these, with these- Pool noodles pool noodles, and you ride through, with the pool noodles touching the horse. Yeah. Yeah. And it just gives the horse and the rider confidence to do- Yeah different things- Yeah and experience different things. Yeah. So you, we got a horse about a year ago, Porter. Porter. That, that, was it about a year that you got Porter? Yeah, we got him in June, I think. Yeah. And you start, and you started doing all the natural horsemanship stuff. Yep. And then got on him. Yep. And Nikki gets on your horses now. Yep. And with Nikki working with Porter, you just sold Porter- Yeah to, to somebody in Wyoming- Yep who's all excited about Porter coming up there. And so when people get this product that that the way that you've brought this horse along, the horse is gonna tie easy, they're gonna load easy. Yep. They'll be able to stay tied up to a trailer. They're relaxed. They can do all the things. Yeah. Do all the things. Yeah. Yeah. And be an adult amateur horse. Exactly. Or have potential to go- Yeah, he's got a lot of potential, whatever. Yeah. But that's the other thing is just when you say potential, the horse has poten- the horses have unlimited potential, and riders sometimes get stuck on the fact, "Oh, I'm not realizing this horse's potential." And it's that's okay. This is your horse, and he will do for you at whatever level you want to compete. He, you don't- have to go- prove him to the world how the, how much he can do. You wanna prove to the world that you guys have a great relationship. It's your partner and you all are together. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And- I really encourage that when people- say- "I'm not doing the best job I can for him." Yes, you are. It's fine. Yep. Tyler wants back in now. Tyler wants back in now. So I'll go back to some of the stuff that I've learned besides developmental needs meeting strategy is EMDR, and I've brain spotting. What's EMDR? Eye movement desensitization reprocessing. There you go. Francine Shapiro was feeling anxious, and then she went for a walk, and then all of a sudden she felt better. She goes why do I feel better?" And she thought maybe it was the way that the wind was blowing the leaves through the trees. And and sh- so she started bilateral stimulation, which is eye movement, where you can move your eyes side to side. You can use a light bar. I can use my hands. I have a TheraTapper that vibrates side to side. The developmental needs meeting strategy, we use a TheraTapper And then a brain spotting is like a certain place that we s- look with our eyes, we can feel something more, a resource spot or a a spot to process. And then this latest thing that I've learned, which you'll... Yeah, is called accelerated resolution therapy. That we've had something happen in our life that has us stuck. That's traumatic. It could be anything. Yeah. And it could even be the negative messages from from, that we got from dyslexia or or a bad prognosis for our health that has us stuck, is that we can replace that in that limbic part of our brain. The limbic part of your brain is the middle part, and it holds all emotional memory, doesn't speak a language. It's images or sensations, and you can process negative things out. So I'll- You've helped some of my riders with the ART, right? Do you use that? Yeah. 'Cause I've, if I have a rider that gets a little stuck or has had a traumatic, a fall or something, and I can see that's just not processing, I'll just say, "Hey, why don't you go get a session with Jess?" And it's just like one session. And it's one session, and then they come back and I was like- Yeah and I don't even know maybe that they've had- Yeah a session. I don't follow up 'cause we are very good about, Yeah it's totally, Confidential stuff it's totally confidentiality. Yeah. So- But anyway, it's just so fun to give people good... Where I have the tools. People say, "I can't believe it. This is amazing." It's just something I've learned. It's not me, and it's my client that's- Yeah doing the work, that's showing up, that's okay with something being different. Yeah. But just noticing and not noticing some old reactivity is just so cool. Yeah. I love it. I love it. So- Same here it, by the graces of God, my Aunt Helen used to say that, I'm just so blessed- in my life. And Cathy and I just celebrated our 32nd, or was it 30- whatever Facebook said. No. Yeah. We've been together 32 years. 32, yeah. Married for 14. We married 12- 12 married for 12 years. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, married 12 years- Yeah because that's when we were allowed to get married legally. Exactly. Anyway. So that's good. Yeah. And it, you all, it's this Imago stuff that we've learned- that's helped our relationship. Amen to that. For sure. Where every day, every day something might pop up that might activate us, but we're able to know where it comes from- Process it know to process it. Yep. "Hey, Cathy, do you have time to dialogue today? There's something I'd like to talk to you about." We've learned these tools. Yeah. That's really cool. So get tools. Good stuff. Aspire. Life is good. Thanks for joining us. Be sure to like, share, and tell your friends about this, and that can help expand this out. Yep. Get it out there. Just a nice 30-minute, enjoy a good listen. Yeah. Learn something. Peace and love, and thanks Carla for the song. We love you, and we love you listeners. Take care. Bye. Bye.